She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
