i permit you to call me
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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