he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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