the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize
