i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
