Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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