i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
