I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
