how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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