Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
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