I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
