got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
