so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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