I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
