im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
That reminds me...we need to get swords
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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