yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
