i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
