i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
