I haven't been this sober since birth.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
