I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
