Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
