I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
