oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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