I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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