i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
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Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
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I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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