What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Randomize
