The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize
