final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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