No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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