she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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