Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
