ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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