My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
