i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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