Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
