My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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