I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
