Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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