i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
