so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Randomize
