I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
The feeling are messing with the penis
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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