You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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