My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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