We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
