i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
