im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
