these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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