oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
