don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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