I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
