How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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