I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
