Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
